December 18, 2008

All I want for Christmas is my Ginger Pube Pillow

Location: National Mechanics
Attendees: Rob, Ryan, Bethany, Brent and special guest Maggie

Name: Margaret E.
Occupation: Amateur Model
Favorite boob: The slightly bigger, slightly nicer left one.

Q: If you had a pillowcase full of doorknobs who would you hit?
A: Shawn White. He's a little ginger snowboarding fuck.

Maggie proceeds to tell us how she can't wait till gingers like Shawn White are gone. Maggie informs us that it's a proven fact that one day gingers will not exist. And apparently she hopes to speed up that process by beating them with bags of doorknobs.

We offered up a special ginger Fuck, Chuck, Marry
Chuck: Carrot Top
Marry: Chucky from the Rugrats
Fuck: Shawn White and then hit him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.

Brent then tells Maggie that ginger pubes go good on everything. They're soo soft, just like a pillow.

Q: You hate any other groups of people?
A: Yes! White hippie people with dreads. No white person except for the guy at Skinners (cause he's hot) should have dreads. Furthermore, no one under the age of 40 is a hippie so shut up and take a bath.

Ryan informs Maggie that he once had dreads. And that he used to use a cut-off t-shirt sleeve as a do-rag at night. Maggie cackles and points.

Rob shakes his eggs and tells us he's allergic to pussy willows.

Rob said Cafe Lift had better Eggs Maryland and believe it or not probably better service considering that there was only one waitress for the entire dinning room at National Mechanics. Ryan waited longer for his less than half full glass of vodka at NM than for his latte at Cafe Lift, hmm perhaps he should grow back some of those dreads.

Some Pictures of Food

Q: Most illegal thing you ever did?
A: Stole lip gloss on Thanksgiving Day and stole cheese cups in high school. Lame. Ryan beat everyone with illegal-ness and told us a story that involved a scanner, a washing machine, poor lighting, several purchases and apparently some really stupid people.

Q: Which reindeer would you fuck?
A: Well not Rudolph because he wouldn't try very hard and that red nose of his is clearly an STD alert. Comet or Blitzen. They're the least gay names. And Comet is the name of the dog from Full House. Blitzen sounds like a bad ass. He'd rough you up a little.

Maggie begins to tell us how she always watches The Hills. We nod, chug our drinks and run away.

The Short and Not So Sweet
Maggie likes...
pillowcases full of doorknobs, putting herself in risky situations that involve sleeping with 15 Greek guys, running through sprinklers wearing pirate outfits, putting hot sauce in Brent's eye, and Honey Mustard cause it goes good on everything. Even gingers.

Maggie wants...
to have a furry affair with the Philly Phanatic, to float on a piece of white meat and paddle through a gravy river using a wishbone oar, her super hero power to be teleporting and of course, to jump Pete Yorn's bones

Maggie dislikes...
ginger snowboarders, hippies especially ones under 40, white people with dreads, ginger pubs even if they are soft like pillows and Oscar her kitten cause he's a piece of shit. He craps in the bathtub and hangs upside down from the blinds.

It's The Tits

November 29, 2008

You Can Call Me Al

Since it was Thanksgiving week, we've decided to postpone our usual Sunday dish&bitch and do an special Holiday edition beerunch.

We invited special holiday guest Jeff to Nodding Head for some booze, bitching and some wishful 3 am barfing.

Location: Nodding Head, 1516 Sansom St.
Attendees: Rob, Ryan, Bethany, Natasha, Yasmine, Brent and surprise attendee Bryon.

Missing: A couple of tequila shots.

Special Guest: Jeff aka Facetits
Occupation: Cunning Linguist/Sketch Artist
Favorite Finger: The Pointer

Before we start I have to be quite honest, I didn't write down as much as I should have. I was planning on doing this entry freestyle. Oh and half way through Jeff's interview, I noticed that a few American Apparel employees sitting behind of us, how intriguing.

We started the night off with a fun ass activity of hand turkey.
We're all about giving our special guest hand jobs.

From the looks of it, it appears that he drew this when he was blacked out drunk.
The cruel reality was that he was 94% sober at the time. It is very Picasso-esque (If Picasso had a case of the Parkinson's).

After he finished his drawing, we ordered beer. It was a beerunch after all.

Drink list:
Rob & Ryan: WFC Ale that had a 7% alcohol thing or shit.

It's a beer for seamen. Ha, semen.

Yasmine & Bethany:
Some kind of burrrr

All-Night Ale with Espresso, but when I found out it was only 3% Alcohol, I switched to Grog.
Before I switched to Grog, everyone at the table beerlested my All-Night Ale.


Yasmine got the crab cake. I/We were very surprised that Rob didn't get it as well.

Ryan got the dragon burger. From the looks of it, dragon means all bun.

Bethany ordered the poppers.
haha, she would.

Grandma & Grandpa shared the mussels and spanish fries.

It was so good, Grandma & Grandpa gave us a thumbs up.

I ordered the wings because I can.

After we all ordered it was time for another Holiday game. This time it was MASH.

To make a long story short, Jeff gets to fuck Rosie O'Donnell on a daily basis.
Lucky guy...Because he's taking one for team mankind he gets to live in a mansion with his Pi number of glow in the dark children.

A quick run down of Jeff facts we gathered from the questions we've asked him during his interview:

1. Jeff wasn't born in a barn.
2. Jeff enjoys tracing his hand.
3. Jeff treats sex like he is going to die the next day. ladies, email us if you want his number
4. Jeff would fuck Clay Aiken over Richard Simmons.
5. Jeff's thunderous orgasms is the cause of all the dead dolphins.
6. Jeff would marry Mr.Ed.
7.Jeff's superpower would be multitasking.

If you'd like to read more or see the the x-rated/nc 17 version, email us

written by: Brent
next week: Maggie via National Mechanics

Jawn, Jawn, Jawn.

Location: Loie
128 S. 19th Street

Bethany, Rob, Ryan, Brent, & Partially Chris

Special Guest:

Name: Shenese
Occupation: Jawn Collector (Jaun Collector)
Steak?: VERY Well Done

Before I start... So, this is my first official "post", but unlike Ryan, I have been contributing behind the scenes. Now I'll start.

This brunch is all about Shenese (which is why Chris showed up). Chris and I were the first to arrive followed by Shenese and Brent was late. While we waited for Bethany and Ryan to arrive via SEPTA, Brent explained to us his dream about afros. He didn't elaborate. Chris "responded" by telling us that the hottest waitress was staring at him*. In walk Bethany and Ryan, unfashionably late**.

Onto the never-ending-bloody-marys-and-mimosas (they gradually get weaker).

And here comes the food. We started off with either the oatmeal, soup, or salad.

I had a mimosa, so I forget who had what.***

Before the questions started, Shenese explained to us about her wild-n-crazy weekend. It involved her Birthday, Drinking, Cars, Blackouts, Accidents, Cops and a "Favor".

Some Questions (from Chris the Perv):

Question 1: How many jawns have you juggled at once?
Answer: Shenese stated for the record that she has juggled no more than eight jawns at a time. She also stated that if by juggling Chris meant banging than, it was always one-on-one and no more than 4 per month****.

Question 2: What size do you prefer?
Answer: Shenese then states "C'mon Chris you're getting a little creepy. Especially with that mustache.*****" We all agreed, but she answered anyway. If you really wanna know, you must be a little creepy as well. Email us for the answer!

The food has arrived. Chris and I ordered the Cheval Burger.

Everyone else ordered these... I forget who got what***.

Questions, Part Deuce:

Question 3:
Fuck Chuck Marry?
Fuck Fredrick Douglas

Chuck Rerun

Marry Malcom X

Question 4: What would be your drug of choice, if you could get your hands on it?
Answer: Shenese stated that it would be MDMA, and that she'd be an avid MDMA user for sure.

Question 5: Who would you murder if you had the chance, alive or dead?
Answer: Shenese answered "Hitler! No, the first man who brought slaves from Africa... and I'd give him AIDs, I'd give him AIDs til he knew what was what."

Chris leaves at this point.

Question 6:
If you could have one superpower what would it be and why?
Answer: Shenese says "I would want to fly so I could swoop down and steal from farms if I get hungry."***

Question 7:
What is your best asset?
Answer: Shenese answers "I'd say my personality, but my jawns say my jawns."

Ryan slowly pulls up his pant leg to reveal his red socks. We continue.

Question 8:
Fuck Chuck Marry
Fuck Wiley Cyote

Chuck Porky Pig

Marry Richie Rich

There were more questions, but they were about lip gloss and Shenese's fear of asians.

Quick Food Recap:

Burger was awesome.
Potatoes not as good as Beaumont, but awesome.
Omelette was a bit rubbery and slimy.
The syrup on the oatmeal was great.


Drink Count:

Bethany - Mimosa, 7.
Brent - Mimosa, 8.
Shenese - Mimosa, 4.
Chris - Mimosa, 3. Bloody Mary, 2.
Ryan - Mimosa, 5. Bloody Mary, 2.
Me - Mimosa, 1 1/2.

Mimosas Total:

*Pfft. In his dreams.
***Note drink count.
****Should I have edited that?
*****Chris doesn't have a mustache.

Written By: Rob
Next Week: Maggie via National Mechanics