March 30, 2009

Future + Brunch + Booz ultd.

Location: Monica Psyhic + Derek's Manayunk
Date: 03/22/09
Attendees: Bethany, Brent, Natasha & Yasmine
Written by: Yasmine

I know there have been many “special” editions of Dish+Bitch thus far; but I must say that this one was by far the most…mystical. When I was told that our Sunday brunch was going to be preceded by a visit to Philadelphia’s famous Psychic Monica in Manayunk, I must say I was intrigued. What got me even more excited to go was the promise of unlimited Bloody Marys at Derek’s.

Being the skeptic that I am, I was trying take this whole “psychic” experience as a joke. When we walked in, we were split into 2 groups, I am taking the freedom to give those two groups distinctive names. Group 1, aka “truth ain’t pretty so suck it up bitches” and Group 2 aka “life is beautiful, you are a free creature, fly fly fly away my child”.
Group1: Yasmine and Bethany had a reading by Monica. Group 2, Natasha and Brent had a reading by Monica’s daughter.

As I sat down, the whole room was silent. Monica stared at me with her big eyes and flat out told me “look, I’m going to tell you things you don’t want to hear, it is the truth that you must face, I sense that you have a shield covering your heart, you have major trust issues, you are your worst enemy…” it didn’t really get any better for the remainder of the reading. I was puzzled and left with her telling me that I needed spiritual healing with crystals, serious shizz… All I’m saying is, this reading needed to be washed down with unlimited Bloody Marys.

We did learn something very important however; it turns out that Natasha and Brent go way back, like 3 generations back. We are not sure what kind of relationships they had, the possibilities are endless, and may make some people uncomfortable.
Also another important thing, apparently Natasha will be having a love baby, or a dog. We are not sure, but Brent, Bethany and I couldn’t help but plan out Natasha’s affair which may result in her being pregnant or having a dog. I think she prefers a dog.

After an insight into to our bright/not so bright but there’s hope/your are doomed future, we needed food and beverages. Not having been to Manayunk before, and thinking that we were heading into the country, I must say, I was satisfied. The ambiance at Derek was pleasant. Mimosas and Bloody Marys were flying on trays across the room. I do not recall how many Mimosas Brent had which may be because my Bloody Marys hit me hard that I lost my ability to count OR simply because he had so many that I lost count.

Needless to say, our main topic of conversation centered about the future, which can either be really good or just depressing. All in all, apart from Natasha’s love baby/ puppy situation, we all felt like there was something interesting awaiting us out there.

Let’s talk food. Brent and I had smoked salmon with the works. The bread was very good, I believe it was brioche. Natasha had strawberry stuffed French toast, which looked delicious. Bethany couldn’t find anything that had chicken in it on the menu so she ventured for the off the menu daily special - Chicken Breast Omelet with lots of colorful veggies. We were happy with our food.

To many brunch adventures to come.

March 22, 2009

Heads Will Roll

So it has been brought to my attention that we haven't been updating this blog on a timely basis. We took a break from Dish+Bitch(ing) for a month to get the blog updating on a healthy/timely schedule, but from the looks of it, this hiatus made it worse.


We still have almost four entries from back in January that needs to be bitch slapped into pixels.

Slow and steady wins the race...i suppose

February 23, 2009

I’m all about shrinkage.

Location: Tinto, 114 S. 20th St.
Attendees: Rob, Ryan, Bethany, Natasha, and Brent.
Special Guest: Yasmine Hossam Hamdy
Occupation: Transient Alien


Upon entering Tinto, Brent and I were greeted by a high school friend of mine, who wound up being our server. He also works at Morimoto’s and is a pretty good waiter. Yasmine and Natasha both show up nearly 15 minutes late and as usual Bethany and Ryan come walking in more than tardy. Natasha surprises us all when she announces that she is hung over from the night before (very unlike a grandmother). Bethany doesn’t surprise us in the least when she announces that she is still drunk from the night before.

Question Time.

Fuck, Chuck or Marry. Emerill Lagasse, the Frugal Gourmet, and Andrew Zimmern



Fuck Emeril Lagasse.


Chuck the Frugal Gourmet


Marry Andrew Zimmern

Question 1:
If you had a choice between getting a teardrop tattoo or two full sleeves of tribal, which would you choose and why?
Answer: Full sleeves of tribal. She says it’s bad-ass… Although I think the teardrop is way more bad-ass.

Question 2:
If you had a choice between having two haircuts for the rest of your life, one being a bowl cut and the other being a crewcut with a 6” rat tail, which would you choose and why?
Answer: Crewcut with a 6”rat tail, due to the fact that the bowl cut would not be possible with her curly hair.

Question 3:
Part 1: If you had a one superpower, which would it be and why?
Answer: Time-Travel

Brent chokes on asparagus oil.

Part 2: Time-Travel, What would the first era/period that you would travel to be?
Answer: Cleopatra times.

Question 4:
What would your dream “bad-ass” profession be?
Answer: “Fin Fighter”. She would hunt down all the people who kill sharks and whales for their fins to make a delicious soup. Cut their nets and sink their boats. (picture of shark fin soup)

Question 5:
How would you kill someone?
Answer: Sniper rifle, no blood on her hands in the physical sense.

Question 6:
Who would you murder if you had the chance, alive or dead?
Answer: Child molesters and rapists. All of them with her bare hands.

Which leads us to the next question…

Question 7:
Would you rather be labeled a child molester or have both your feet amputated?
Answer: Child molester (weird choice). She would then move to a place where they didn’t understand English, so that when she introduced herself as a child molester they would not understand her.

Question 8:
What is your most hated catch-phrase or word and why?
Answer: “Figure it out.” It started in school. She says “Why would I ask you the question if I already knew the answer. Doi!”

Yasmine is buzzed after 1/3 of her first Pamplona.

Question 9:
If you could be any animal or insect, what would you be?
Answer: I would be an eagle with dolphin fins (she better not cut them off a live dolphin, that would hypocrytical), a scorpion tail, and horse legs. She doesn’t want anything from a turtle. She hates them.

Question 10:
If you could invite 3 people dead or alive to this brunch who would it be?


1. Andy Warhol, so she can say “WTF!”


2. Bob Marley


3. Andrew Zimmern

Fuck, Chuck or Marry. Danny DeVito, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and John C. Reilly


Fuck Danny DeVito.


Chuck John C. Reilly


Marry Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Food:

Rob: Cured Salmon Plate, Huevos Benedictos, Applewood Smoked Bacon & Gateaux Basque

Brent: Cured Salmon Plate, Padre E Hijo, Grilled Asparagus & Gateaux Basque

Ryan: Cured Salmon Plate, Padre E Hijo, Chorizo & Brulee of Grapefruit

Bethany: Homemade Granola, Steak & Eggs (very well done), Applewood Smoked Bacon & Gateaux Basque

Natasha: Homemade Granola, Steak & Eggs, Applewood Smoked Bacon & Gateaux Basque

Yasmine: Cured Salmon Plate, Steak & Eggs, Piperade & Brulee of Grapefruit

Drinks:

Brent: Biscay 2x

Ryan: Pamploma 2x

Bethany: Biscay

Yasmine: Pamplona 2x

Rob: Coke 3x

Pictures of Food & Drinks:












February 13, 2009

I Want Something That Tastes Delicious

♥ Special Edition: Valentine's Day 2009 ♥


Location:
Jones
7th & Chestnut

Attendees:
Rob and Brent

Missing:
Bethany & Ryan

Special Guest(s):

Newlyweds Mike & Kelly
Occupation: Lovers
Special Talents: 33% Compatibility & showing up at just the right moment.

We decided to take our brunch guests to Jones since the atmosphere was so retro-kitsch and played into our special game so well. We decided to play The Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks style (minus his jokes about AIDS).


Upon waiting nearly half an hour to be seated, Kelly had sent me a text saying they would be running a little late because she was at home watching Rock of Love 2. During our wait, Rob started talking about his new adventure in Weird New Jersey and setting fires to gas stations.


Food:



Starting top left going clockwise:
1. Strawberry Basil Caipirinha
(for something basil related in drink form, it was pretty good. like almost too good. like recalled peanut products good.
2. 1 fish 2 fish
(It took Kelly 20 minutes to order, telling the waiter "I want something that taste delicious" then later stated "Damn I should have asked what drink has the most alcohol." She then preceded to chip a tooth on the harden swedish fish.
3. Jones Decadent Hot Chocolate
(It had Godiva white and dark liquor topped with whipped cream and chocolate shavings, so it had to be good. But Rob later stated he should have gotten something cold)
4. Monkey Bread
5. Huevos Rancheros
6. Mushroom & Cheddar Omelette
7. Biscuit & Egg Sandwich
8. Potato Pancakes
9. Tomato Soup

Overall the food was good and quick. Like unusually quick. Not quick like Stewie Griffins 8 second co-worker sex. But pretty darn close.



So on to the Newlywed Game:

Question 1
When your spouse leaves the house, what time is it? Party time? Time to clean? Nap time?

Kelly:
I would say: Nap Time
He would say: Party Time

Mike:
I would say: Party Time
She would say: Clean Up Time

Kelly-1 / Mike-0


Question 2
What one item of clothing does your spouse wear that you just can't stand?

Kelly:
He would say: Tall boots over jeans
For him: pair of old tapered jeans

Mike:
She would say: my old boxers
For her: her "sunday panties"

Kelly-0 / Mike-0


Question 3
When your spouse wakes up in the morning she/he is likely find my _______ on her/his ______.

Kelly:
I would say: his "thing" on my ass
He would say: my knee in his face

Mike:
I would say: knees in my back
She would say: hand on her butt

Kelly-.5 / Mike-.5
(since it was almost a match we gave them a half point each)


Question 4
Complete the following sentence: "A perfect spouse is one who _________"

Kelly:
I would say: cooks and cleans and loves and listen (good husband)
He would say: gives bj's daily

Mike:
I would say: "give it up"
She would say: listen to my bitching.

Kelly-1 / Mike-1
(it was pretty close so we gave the both a point)


Question 5
What candy bar would your spouse choose to describe your style of making love?

Kelly:
I would say: peppermint patty
He would say: nutrageous

Mike:
I would say: pop rocks
She would say: twix

(not sure what any of those answers meant)

Kelly-0 / Mike-0.


Final Score
Kelly-2.5
Mike 1.5

February 6, 2009

It's Human Nature

Despite my greatest efforts on getting this blog entry up, I'm late...surprise.
This post was originally supposed to go up on Monday Feb. 2 to coincide with Groundhog's Day.

For a lack of better words, I fucked up.
Like a teeanger's period...better late than never I suppose.

Location: Marathon Grill 15th and Walnut
Attendees: Rob, Ryan, Bethany, Brent


Special Guest: Groundhog

Name: Groundhog
Occupation: Shadow Boxer
Favorite Spice: Old Spice


Ryan and Bethany shows up late. Like not Brian McMicken late, but pretty close.

We had food...but you know...it's Marathon...it's not that great.
Rob ordered something so vile that I don't remember what it was. Actually he seemed to enjoy it since it was gone in less than 4 minutes.

Ryan order some sort of steak thing with like eggs or cheese. Maybe a tortilla, maybe toast. I don't remember.

Bethany ordered a mix of things that resembled a breakfast sandwich. But your guess is as good as mine.

I order the lox and bagels. It was like caper hell.

The Groundhog was on a diet. So he didn't eat.


On to the interview or lack their of.


Question 1:
Fuck, Chuck or Marry:

1. Rocky (from Rocky and Bullwinkle)
2. Sandy Squirrel
3. Alvin, Simon, Theodore

Answer:


Apparently sex questions makes our Groundhog centaur shy.

Question 2:
What is the last thing you've downloaded illegally?

Answer:


Beaver porn.

Question 3:
y = log x
If y = 10, then what is x?

Answer:



Question 4:
Do you like our blog?

Answer:


The Groundhog thinks we're number 1

February 3, 2009

Anticipation

You're not a day too soon.

Latest entry coming soon.

Here is a sneak peak.

January 25, 2009

You Got It All...Wrong

Upcoming entries:

01. Tinto with Yasmine
02. Johnny Brenda's with Brian McMicken
03. Two Thousand & Hate (it's so long, it's almost two months late)

January 5, 2009

Rock You Like A Tropical Depression

special guest writer: Jeff Gonick

All right, first I’d like to apologize for the delay. As a guest writer I should have been excited to get this up there. And to tell you the truth, I was. I have no excuse. Well I have one, but it’s so terrible I’m not going to post it. Just imagine that I was stranded in a palatial Scandinavian villa with a super-model for… scratch that. Not a supermodel. Maybe a regular model, I’d be uncomfortable with a super model. All those weird angles, it would be like sleeping with a geometry textbook. Forget the excuse. Let’s get to the dishing and bitching.



We interviewed Jessica James Wilson.
(pictured above)

If you don’t know her, she writes this blog. She loves food more than anyone else I know which meant no one wanted to pick where to go. She said Hard Rock Café because she likes irony and she thought everyone would get that she was joking. Fast-forward 5 hours and here we are.

Let me first say that Hard Rock Café rocks so f-ing hard that we didn’t even know what to do. Okay that’s a lie. It was the first time in my life I’ve ever had the distinct feeling that I was too cool for a place and I’m pretty sure everyone in the group shared this odd sensation. It’s also important to note that I’m not very cool. I like to read books a lot, I talk to dogs when I walk them, I keep a cleaner apartment than Seinfeld, a song from that movie Amelie just came on my iPod, I like the show Scrubs, my favorite animal is a Polar Bear which I tell people the first time I meet them and I played the violin for 12 years. That said, I felt way too cool for Hard Rock Café.

Being too cool, which I’ve never experienced before, is incredibly awkward. So awkward that we all stood around our table when we were being seated, ready for a leader to emerge and initiate a sudden escape. But we didn’t escape. We did what all uncomfortable people do. We ordered drinks.

Jess had soda water (she is obviously so cool that she felt cool even here)
Rachel had an Amstel Light
Ryan had a Guinness
Bethany had something pink
I had an Ultimate Bloody Mary w/Olives
Brent had a Long Island Iced Tea
Rob had a “Fruit-a-Palooza” w/Souvenir glass

As a quick side note, I’m pretty sure no rock-star has ever drank a “Fruit-a-Palooza” and if I were a rock-star and someone tried to give me one I would punch them in the vagina or testicles, depending.

As a quick side note to that side note, if the waiter or waitress happened to be a hermaphrodite, I would punch them in the arm and be worried if I was being too nice and they realized it and noticed and thought I was only being that way because of their downstairs mix-up.



Back to the food. For an appetizer we ordered the Chicken Wings w/Heavy Metal Sauce. We talked about ordering the Jumbo Combo and giving it a seat at the table and treating it as an additional guest who could guide us through this experience, but then we realized it was 17.50 and we could probably by a live goat somewhere in Chinatown for that.

Honestly, at this point I should talk about the rest of the meals that were ordered but we didn’t write them down and I can’t remember a single thing except that it was all utterly forgettable. I’m pretty sure the executive chef is the only rock star that’s involved with the Hard Rock Café. It’s probably Keith Richards, who after 40 years of non-stop booze and coke and cigarettes, has the palette of a dead camel. He probably approved the menu during a blacked out stupor thinking he was signing the deed a house he was trying to trade for a slave-ship full of Bolivian Marching Powder and South American indentured servants.

I guess that means it’s on to the questions. There’s a ton so I’ll `pick some highlights:

Fuck Chuck or Marry?
Christopher Reeves alive and in a wheelchair - Fuck
Stephen Hawking - Marry
Vern Troyer - She said, “kill” even though she only had to “chuck” him

If you had to kill someone how would you do it?
“I’d poison them, probably in a drink. I’d wear the poison in a vial around my neck before I did it”.

If toilet paper were never invented, how would you wipe your ass?
“A corn cob or a gooseneck. Duh!” This was followed by a long and excessively descriptive conversation about how to properly use a corncob to wipe an ass. This was while we were eating and had no affect on anyone’s appetite. I guess that is an additional commentary on the food.

If you could eat one person, anyone from history, who would it be and why?
“MacGiver, so I could have his ingenuity. Or Jesus.”

If you could eat any imaginary creature, what would you eat and how would you prepare it?
“A centaur’s penis.” This was followed by a lengthy discussion of how she wouldn’t actually eat it but would blow the centaur, which was followed by talking about how it would explode with the force and pressure of a fire-hose.

If your vagina became a person because of an encounter with a wizard in a forest of some kind, what would that person be named and what would they be like?

“Regina, and she’d be really full”

At this point we asked Jess to ask a question, and she threw that one back at everyone at the table. Here are the answers:

Jeff – “Spencer” – Annoyingly attentive
Brent – “Gargamel” – Hateful, because he was never satisfied
Rob – “Richard or Dick” – Confused as to why he is alive
Bethany – “Rayne” – An alcoholic hippy who abuses mescaline
Ryan – “Demetri” – Russian, never get out of pajamas. “My penis would wipe his ass with a corn cob.”
Rachel – “Fergie” – As in the pop-star Fergie is actually Rachel’s personified vagina.

It’s worth noting that right after we found out that Fergie is Rachel’s vagina, a Black Eyed Peas song came on and each and every one of our minds’ was blown.

As the server (who it’s worth noting was excellent) cleared the last of the plates and the questions came to a close, I couldn’t help but notice that our earlier awkwardness was gone. We definitely didn’t drink enough to explain this newfound comfort but it was certainly there. Regardless of how forgettable the food was we were having fun.

And while Hard Rock Café may not have been the cause of it, they certainly didn’t keep it from happening, which is more than I can say for a lot of Philadelphia Restaurants with forgettable food. Sure, not a single thing we ate was good, but any place that doesn’t mind Rachel and Jess acting like they’re giving a Centaur a blowjob as the night comes to a close can’t be all bad.


Bonus:

And here are the songs Rachel wrote down as playing while we were there:

“Feel Like Making Love”
“Rock and Roll (illegible)”
“Fields of Gold” – Sting
“Zombie” – The Cranberries (which made me realize I might secretly like them. Brent also said this was a good wedding song)




January 4, 2009

How Does It Feel In My Arms

Due to my lackadaisical attitude from the year 2008, Jess Wilson's blog entry has yet to be posted. It'll be up in the next few days.