From iPhones To Pubic Hair

LOCATION:
Royal Tavern
973 East Passyunk Avenue

Attendees:
Brent, Bethany, Ryan

Missing:
Rob (not sitting bitch on his way to and from the Poconos)

SPECIAL GUEST

Name: Rachel
Occupation: Girl In Tub
Weapon of Choice: Crossbow
Favorite Color Underwear: Pink

We brought our guest of the week to Royal Tavern in South Philadelphia for some dish and bitch festivities. Unfortunately the Eagles game started at 1 PM and the place was packed like fudge. We waited for at least 20 minutes for a table to open up. It felt like an eternity before we were seated and able to inhale some false apricot mimosa.

When we finally had a chance to order our cocktails, our waitress informed us that they were all out of apricot and had to substitute it with mango. The mango mimosa weren't strong at all, this is when Rachel proceeded to tell us how she makes her mimosas at home.

STRAIGHT TO THE FACTS


Ryan stated he might order the huevos rancheros because he might be drinking a lot later today (spoken like a true champ). He then blurts out "it's too much deliciousness to handle" and proceeds to pussy out and order the pancakes instead. Oh, but to his credit, he also orders a bloody mary.

Ryan goes on to say that Royal Tavern has one of the best Bloody Mary's he has drunk during his tenure on the dish & bitch panel.


Rachel, exhausted from kitty kicking patrol the night before, wanted to get the waffles and ice-cream but was informed by our waitress that "the royal tavern is out of waffles." She instead orders a complicated meal of ice cream and fresh berries, a normal mimosa and coffee.
How the hell can a place that is open for brunch be out of fucking waffles? I mean, it's like, the basis of a good brunch. Who do they think they are denying us of such pleasures? North Korea?


Bethany orders a bagel sandwich with sausage. (It is very similar to what Rob had last week at Pub & Kitchen. I guess she wanted to pay her respects to our missing panelist. Or maybe she did it just for the potatoes. Unfortunately it wasn't Beau Monde quality potatoes. She also orders a weak ass mango mimosa.

Ryan points out that Bethany's sausages kept wiggling out between her buns.

I, on the other hand, decide to give brunch a big fuck you and order something un-brunch like. I order the meatloaf sandwich slathered in meatloaf sauce and bacon. Tons of bacon, under a blanket of cheese, like enough cheese to cover the entire land mass of Russia.

I began to feel very guilty for not being very brunchy so I ordered a weak ass mango mimosa to balance it out.


Toward then end of brunch Ryan showed Rachel all his cool new iPhone applications.
I felt as though I was watching an Apple Sales Rep trying education the rest of the human race on Apple's voodoo magic. The image of Ryan as "Apple Guy" (pictured above) kept popping in and out of my head while he was explaining what it meant to "double tap" Jeff. As I am typing this sentence he is probably solving the subprime mortgage crisis with his iPhone right now. It makes me want an iPhone, like bad.

Later Rachel educates the rest of the table on Latin and Italian Mafias, Pamela Anderson and the NY Stock Exchange, and why she has the latest copy of Psychology Today in her purse.

And Now On To The Questions

Question 1
If you could give a black eye to anyone alive or dead, who would it be? what eye?

Answer:
The person who created this:


sock it to his/her left eye.

Question 2
Fuck Chuck or Marry

1. angelsoft baby
2. coppertone baby
3. gerber baby

Answer
Rachel would fuck the angel soft baby, Chuck the coppertone baby and marry the Gerber baby.

In all honesty I would fuck the angel soft baby too. Rachel said she would marry the Gerber baby only because the Gerber baby is a boy. I had to sadly inform her that they were indeed all girl babies.

Question 3
What is your most hated catch-phrase or word?

Answer
Ryan: Toats
Rachel: ROTFL (Rachel explained that she hates it because "like, it's not true, you're not really rolling on the floor laughing).
Brent: Preggers, Vacay, Vah Jay Jay
Bethany: didn't answer the question because her lips were attached to her mimosa the entire time.

Question 4
How would you kill a person?

Hypothetically:
"If someone killed my father i would: Dress in all black with black leather boots. Stalk them. Yell 'You killed my father, PREPARE TO DIE.' Shoot him in the face with my crossbow."

Question 5:
Fantasy Dream Job?

Answer
A Mercenary duh.

I've noticed that the more mimosa we started to drink the more violent the questions got. This is when things got interesting.

There were a few more question regarding lady bits and lawn waxing, that we can't post on here. If you would like to read more about that please send us an email for the NC-17 version.

Written by: Brent

Next Week: Annie Heckenberger via Supper.